Genuflection?

"The unexamined life is not worth living."

I've always liked that quote. Socrates definitely seems to always hit life's deepest points right on the head. Lately he must be jumping out of his grave and beating me over my head with a shovel for all of the "examining" I've been doing in the past weeks.

It seems with the holidays arriving and certain life-changing events that have happened to me this year have really thrown me into constant state of retrospect and/or genuflect lately.

Where to begin? That is always the "perverbial" question. Yes, a cheesy, ordinary and ill-witted (is that a word?) one but one nonetheless. The problem I always seem to have (now being one of those times) is my mind meanders so much because there is so much crap running through it constantly, flying in and out of my sub-conscious and conscious and it always seems impossible to focus. Okay John... relax. Turn the chaos off and stop thinking. That's what I do when I'm drumming and I get bored. Turn the head off and the heart on. Everything usually falls into place after that. Maybe that's where I'm going with this. I don't know I just wanted to try something new and actually open up a little for once. So I guess I'll start thusly (now that word's funny! Has a kinda quirky lisp to it doesn't it?) I digress... as usual!

I'm new to Christianity and giving my life to Jesus has saved my life. All of the insanity I've lived throughout the years had come crashing down on me back in July and I was on my own "death march" you could say. Not on purpose mind you, just my poor decision making and lifestyle was spiraling me down to the most terrible place I've ever been. I honestly think I have been in Hell.... I wouldn't wish those feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, despair (the list is endless) on ANYONE! I think God intervened because I finally opened up to Him.

The help of wonderful friend got me through this part. She literally pushed me into church and it forever changed me. She told me that "Jesus has been banging at your door for quite some time now and he had to really kick your head in for you to find him. He must have something special in mind for you!"

I started going to the Vineyard which was an incredibly difficult decision for me because I was a staunch agnostic and thought that the Bible and Christianity as I knew it was a complete hypocritical farce. After the first Celebration I attended taught by Joe Boyd , I knew that this wasn't true and I was relieved to find out what the true translations were and how they really touched our lives. I was forever changed and I absolutely love it there! Within less than a month without knowing anyone there and just going by myself the church already had me actively involved with worship service (I run FOH on the tech team) and involved with special functions. Also my life started glueing back together. My friends were asking me "what have you been doing?", "there's something different about you!" "What's this church you've been going to?" Pretty cool for a bunch of reprobate musicians!

I'm far from perfect mind you. These scars of mine are very deep and some are disturbing but with God's direction they slowly seem to heal one little crack at a time. Someone sent me a quote in an email: "Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones that let in the Light!" Some great words by Spike Milligan (comedic genious and maybe a crackpot) but I love the quote anyways. Yes, I slip, fall, tumble, jump and run from God's path sometimes but God has a way of dragging me by the scruff of my neck back home like the great Dad He is.

I guess I'm still an agnostic in a sense because I question my faith every day. It seems the more I question though the closer I get to God because questioning makes me seek answers. The more I seek for those answers the more I stay on His path! I'm still new at this but it's the one thing I've realized in my life that always stays constant is God's Love.

Wow! I don't know where all of this just went but it's just another unexpected path which seems to be the norm. Never a dull moment in John's world that's for sure!

I know this jumps around and moves fast but it's the quickest I can keep up with my flurry of ideas that overwhelm me when I "open up the faucet" so to speak.

Well, there it is! Some open holes in the discussion but I might discuss them later. Very deep and well.... personal.... Thanks for spending some time with me!
- John